Accessories are so important when assembling an ensemble. An outfit can be completely ruined when it’s accompanied by a terrible handbag, or the wrong shoes. The applies to girls as much as it applies to women. Case in point: yesterday, while shopping at the mall, I saw a teenager wearing a girls maxi dress (not dissimilar to this one.) Maxis are a timeless look, that can make any girl look like a movie star. But not if it isn’t accessorized properly. Let me continue. This girl would’ve been a 10, thanks to her dress. But because she was wearing a stupid propeller hat, it made the girl seem like a frumpy 5.
I’m not joking, y’all. It was the kind of cap that had a thingy on top that spins around. I wanted to run over to the child and slap that thing off her head. The nerve of that person! She was ruining the whole ensemble! What’s the point of going out and buying the cutest maxi dress for girls, if you’re only going to degrade the thing with a stupid cap for infants. I pulled the mother aside, and in my quietest, most polite voice, I told her as much. I said, “You are horrible, disgusting mom for letting your child set foot out of your house with that nonsense on.” She said I was crazy and walked away. I grabbed one of those garbage cans to throw at her, but unfortunately, it was bolted to the floor. So I yelled instead. “Take that maxi dress off, girl!” Normally, I don’t shout in public, but I had to make an exception. This was, after all, an emergency. I don’t know if the girl didn’t hear me, or if she was just ignoring me, but it made me livid. I reported the girl to the security officers in the kiosk, but you know those idiots aren’t really police. They are simply flunkies who couldn’t get a job tearing tickets at the movie theater. So I grabbed a soda out of a nearby child’s hand, and I whipped it at the girl’s head. It missed, hitting an old woman in a wheelchair. Boy was she mad. Get a grip, lady. Life is too short!
I’m still livid about this girls maxi dress thing. I’m absolutely, 100% irate. I can’t sleep, I can’t watch TV. The only thing I can do is watch TV. I was thinking of calling my local congressman, but he’s an idiot, and I don’t know his name anyway. But I was able to do one thing. I successfully tracked down the company that sold the girl that beautiful maxi dress. I told them to stop selling dresses to people who don’t wear them properly. I urge you to do the same. Here’s a link to their webpage.